Fran Eisenman offers tips for how to explain adoption to a child, in a way that's simple and straightforward. I have known I was adopted since before I was born. This is How We Became a Family: An Adoption Story: By Wayne Willis (Author) An adoption story for children of all ages. To be adopted, a child must: be under the age of 18 when the adoption application is made not be (or have never been) married or in a civil partnership The child’s birth parents I think we should specifically address risk factors, such as in this case the addition of another child, whether by birth or adoption, to the family within the first couple of years post-adoption. When you think you’re ready to talk to your child about adoption, you may want to prepare by writing down a few notes for the conversation. You should not demean or disrespect his birth parents no matter what your opinion of them is. But, adoption is more complicated than that. One of the toughest ones is to explain the child if he or she is being moved to another family. Adoption.org is a service of the Gladney Center for Adoption, a licensed adoption agency. ... Open adoption does not take away from the adoptive family. Adoption.org is a service of the Gladney Center for Adoption, a licensed adoption agency. As long as the child knows how much he is loved and that you are open to sharing what you know, everything will be okay. She loves taking trips to the beach with her husband and sons. TIPS TO EXPLAIN TO YOUR CHILD THAT HE OR SHE WAS ADOPTED Start Early As the child grows you can add pieces to the story about where you were when you got the call that you were going to be a parent. You should use the phrase “placed for adoption,” rather than “gave up for adoption.” You don’t want to say that his parents didn’t want him. He wanted to be told again and again how Mommy and Daddy ran around the house when they heard he was born and how they called everyone. Parenting & exploring adoption for your child, Teaching Your Child About Unplanned Pregnancy. When your child senses your happiness about their adoption story, they’ll start to internalize the same feelings. In other words, you are never hiding from this child that he is adopted, and you are never hiding the concept of adoption, and they grow organically together. And I especially think that we need to continue to surround parents post-adoption with continued opportunities to … They are aware of their place in the family, develop a gender identity, and are becoming more and more independent. Is the biological parent in the picture? Children cared for (in kinship care) then adopted by a member of their birth family may not know why they cannot live with their birth parents. © 2021. What Are Common Open Adoption Rules and Benefits. If you have children who are adopted or you are planning to adopt a child, you likely feel some stress about how you will explain … It is a certain way that snuffs out toxic shame and helps us adoptees go on after a trauma or multiple traumas. You might want to take a break for a few months from fostering to heal . I also have a 4 year old (Hannah). On behalf of The Law Offices of Dorie A. Rogers, APC posted in Family Law on Tuesday, June 19, 2018. It … Adoption sounds like a scary topic to tackle, but it doesn’t have to be. I have a 17 year old (Amanda) who is going to have a baby in a few weeks. It depends of course on the child’s age. I would take a picture of the two girls together and frame it. The best thing you can do for your child is to talk about their adoption early and often in language that is appropriate for his age. You can do … Learn about topics such as How to Sign Up for Adopt a Family for Christmas, How to Know if You're Adopted or Not, How to Adopt a Family Member, and more with our helpful step-by … Instead, say they chose not to parent at that time. If you would like more detailed information on giving a second child up for adoption or how to explain putting a baby up for adoption to your older kids, or if we can help provide free counseling to your child, contact an adoption specialist at 1-800-ADOPTION or receive free adoption information online. Ashley Foster is a freelance writer. By using this site you agree to the terms of service and privacy notice. Adoption language has evolved over the years. In 2016, she was reunited with her biological family. Books for Children, Teens and Adults Ages 0-3. This came out of my 12-year-old's mouth while I was driving the other day. You always need to be as honest as his age will allow. My adoptive parents are amazing. The best thing you can do for your child is to talk about their adoption early and often in language that is appropriate for his age. Adoption is never simple. If done correctly, the story will be every bit as exciting as a birth story that started when a woman’s water broke. Feeling that they are like their adoptive parents … Here is how you should explain a move to a foster child. Amanda is going to be giving her baby up for adoption. To be adopted, a child must: be under the age of 18 when the adoption application is made; not be (or have never been) married or in a civil partnership Parents may want to include in their discussion of another child’s adoption the facts about how their own child joined their family. That was much better than finding out one day when I was older. But how to explain my origins, especially at a time when the backgrounds of adoptive children like me were often filled with great mystery. The Red Blanket by Eliza Thomas. Get good children’s picture books: I am talking about a picture book that a kid eats, the board kind that they don’t know what you are doing — they just chew it. Open and informative discussions are crucial for the development of your child’s sense of self. You should use the phrase “placed for adoption,” rather than “gave up for adoption.” You don’t want to say that his parents didn’t want him. Chapters are named specifically about common problems, so … She advocates for adoptees’ rights and DNA testing for those who are searching for family. Are their any easy ways to explain these diseases to a child so they understand? The best thing you can do for your child is to talk about their adoption early and often in language that is appropriate for his age. How Can I Explain Adoption to My Child? While adoption is more common these days, and in many cases more visible due to multi-ethnic families, you can help your child explain adoption to their friends. Step 3: Explain why you’re choosing adoption. Sure, adoption is a bittersweet experience, and you can acknowledge that, but also make sure your child understands how wonderful the adoption process was — because it brought him or her to you. Little Miss Spider by David Kirk. Before you even explain that you’ll be placing your baby for adoption, your children should have an understanding of exactly what adoption means and how it works. There are meetings you and your child can attend where there are other adoptive children and parents present. It adds to the relationship with your child. It is due to unfortunate circumstances that any child is … What Are Common Open Adoption Rules and Benefits? Thankfully, there are many ways that you can explain foster care to your child in an age‐appropriate way. Tag: how to explain adoption to a child. It tells of a couple who long for a child, of a pregnant young woman who is not ready to be a mother, and of the events that bring them together for a happy ending. My feeling is that it's best to start as young as possible in a way that the child can understand, then explain more to them as they get older as they have more questions and can comprehend better. I have known I was adopted since before I was born. Here are some important points to convey to your child: Kids tease other kids about a lot of things: wearing glasses, being thin, being chubby, not doing well at math, or not being good at baseball. Like how to explain adoption to my then 4-year-old. © 2021. That was much better than finding out one day when I was older. How to explain adoption to a child In the course of the adoption process, ... Others may continue to describe, if they know, why the child was given up for adoption. In our home, this explanation is necessary because of our involvement with crisis pregnancy centers and diocesan pro-life activities. Maybe Days- A Book for Children in Foster Care by Jennifer Wilgocki and Marcia Kahn. I remember asking my parents to tell me my adoption birth story. The best thing you can do for your child is to talk about their adoption early and often in language that is appropriate for his age. When your child senses your happiness about their adoption story, they’ll start to … What is the relationship with the step-parent and how long has the step-parent been in the child's life. We have a 5 year old child together whom we love very much, however because of our illness and her behavioral problems we will be giving her up for adoption this March. Make sure that any information you give your child about adoption is positive and celebrates the benefits of adoption for everyone. You should not demean or disrespect his birth parents no matter what your opinion of them is. Hannah knows that Amanda is going to have a baby soon and can hardly wait for the baby to arrive. Explaining the truth about difficult adoption details to children can be complicated, but with the proper preparations and counseling, you can tell your child’s adoption story in a positive, respectful way that helps them learn more about their identity and their past. In soem familes the same dad does all three. Helping Your Child Transition From Foster Care to Adoption . The simple answer is that children are being adopted because their birth parents were unable to care for them. No matter how your other children came to your family – biologically or through infant adoption or foster care – here are some ways that you can explain foster care to your kids. It is not uncommon for women considering adoption to have other children that they are raising in their home, and you are not alone if you are struggling to explain your baby’s adoption to your other children. We are a not-for-profit, licensed adoption agency providing adoption services in the U.S.A. Are you pregnant and considering making an adoption plan? The best thing you can do for your child is to talk about their adoption early and often in language that is appropriate for his age. Whatever the circumstances, come up with a basic story you feel comfortable sharing with your child. The idea is for it not to be a sit-down discussion about the adoption , but an ongoing story. As an infant, she was placed with a couple in a closed adoption. In 2016, she was reunited with her biological family. Point out the similarities between yourself and your adopted child(ren). As the child grows you can add pieces to the story about where you were when you got the call that you were going to be a parent. Grandparents Raising Children Support Group. Also, it’s okay not to have all the answers. Foster care is a difficult task. Above all, she is thankful that she was given life. Explaining abortion to a young child is an awful, horrifying thing to do. A simple story about adoption can suffice for the child who is 3 or 4. In a Family Way...and other tricky questions your little one might ask, seemingly out of the blue. Listening carefully to your child throughout the adoption process and creating a safe environment for sharing feelings can help build trust and ease the transition. Talking to Children About Adoption: 6-7 Years Old Children this age are spending more and more time with peers and other adults, and away from your supervision. Explain to them that being adopted does not mean they are loved any less than a child who is with their birth parents. ... How to explain adoption to a child? Adoption is a process whereby a person assumes the parenting of another, usually a child, from that person's biological or legal parent or parents. However, by the time they reach 10 to 12 years old, children begin to recognize some of the more difficult and confusing aspects of adoption, including feelings of loss and of being different. Let them know how excited you were when they came to live with you and how special they are to you and the family. Honestly, I think people are just trying to understand why the child, if she's asking to see him, can't see him. If you play a role in adoption, never be afraid to tell your children the truth, but don’t burden them with the gory details until they can truly understand them. I remember asking my parents to tell me my adoption birth story. The idea is for it not to be a sit-down discussion about the adoption, but an ongoing story.In the beginning, you can just talk about how much you loved your child before he … As a parent, with a violent ex-husband, I do understand, but at the same time, would be okay with my ex seeing my daughter while supervised by me for a short time. A 7-year-old’s understanding of adoption can grow as they spend time with other children which have been adopted. The idea is for it not to be a sit-down discussion about the adoption , but an ongoing story. The biological part ( providing the sperm or egg or growing the baby) , the parenting bit ( caring for the child every day and teh legal part. You need to explain to the child that he or she was born just like every other child, that you wanted to become a parent and that you will be their parent for life. As an infant, she was placed with a couple in a closed adoption. and a few photos of time spent there with key memories and facts about this period. Explaining Adoption to a Young Child. But mostly, it keeps adoption focused on the most important person. Instead, say they chose not to parent at that time. Note that describing a child as a birth child or an adopted child is not necessary. It is Christian based, so keep that in mind if that does not fit into your belief system. As the child grows you can go into age-appropriate details about their birth parents. Some young children, up to the age of five, might have a very difficult time understanding the topic of adoption. They have been exposed to romance, drama, violence, … My feeling is that it's best to start as young as possible in a way that the child can understand, then explain more to them as they get older as they have more questions and can comprehend better. Younger Children Resources. Adoption Learn everything you want about Adoption with the wikiHow Adoption Category. Call 1-800-982-3678 anytime or text us at 1-518-350-4581 M–F 8am–4pm EST Sometimes other people can help explain to your child what you haven’t been successful explaining. All rights reserved. Also, it’s okay not to have all the answers. They told me I was “chosen” from the earliest moments. A children’s guide to foster care These three nicely illustrated guides to foster care explain in a child friendly way who foster carers are, the role of a social worker and answers common questions a child … We are a Christian-based non-profit adoption agency, and we believe every child is a gift from God and deserves a loving home. Be Open, Honest and Age-Appropriate. Enclose a letter from the foster carer, if you can. Amanda is going to be giving her baby up for adoption. Look for an adoption support group that includes members with the same racial, cultural, or national background as your son or daughter. If under 10 or so , & especially if already calling him daddy, explain now this is “forever daddy” and everyone, Mom Dad & child will share a … Hannah knows that Amanda is going to have a baby soon and can hardly wait for the baby to arrive. Obviously, how much detail you give them will depend on their age (your adoption counselor can help you determine what your children … These days, 8-9 year old children are pretty mature. How do you explain to a child that he/she is adopted in a way that doesn't make it a negative thing? She advocates for adoptees’ rights and DNA testing for those who are searching for family. How Can I Explain Adoption to My Child? Author has 1.4K answers and 891.9K answer views. If possible, begin explaining adoption to your children while you are pregnant. Adoption may be the result of the direct wishes of the birth parents. Keep the conversation fluid and let him know you are available to answer questions as they arise. In the beginning, you can just talk about how much you loved your child before he was born. Even after reuniting with my birth family, there are still so many things I don’t know. Happy Adoption Day! I would explain that there are different parts to being a parent. Legal adoptions permanently transfer all rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parent or parents.. It's very stressful. With that in mind we developed the information below to help you find the best way to explain to your child what being adopted really means. 20 Life-Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make Use this book as a post-adoption resource for adoptees. Your child is starting to understand that to be adopted means they were given “up” or “away” be someone else. In this blog post, we’ll go over some tips on how to explain to your child that they are adopted. One such book is Sam’s Sister by Juliet C. Bond. Even if certain details about your child’s adoption story are negative, it’s important that you always speak about his or her birth parents in a reassuring and respectful way. Taking the complete responsibility of a child can be fun as well as tough. Keep the conversation fluid and let him know you are available to answer questions as they arise. Furthermore, there are many aspects of this job that are emotionally very difficult to handle as a foster parent. Children cared for (in kinship care ) then adopted by a member of their birth family … Everyone’s part in the triad is difficult at times, but whether by blood or by adoption, we are dealing with family, and family deserves nothing but the best. As the child grows you can go into age-appropriate details about their birth parents. Most children like to hear their “adoption story.” When my son was little, he loved his story. They are more independent and spending more time with peers and away from your supervision. You can say that while he was growing in another woman’s tummy, he was growing in your heart. If you are finding it more difficult to talk to your child or to share difficult information, talk to an adoption counselor. Talking to Children About Adoption: 8-9 Years Old. Above all, she is thankful that she was given life. Explain what role social workers, judges and foster carers do and what adoption means. It gives more than it takes. It was part of me and something I was proud of.Few, if any, children in by John McCutcheon Over the Moon: An Adoption Tale by Karen Katz. Add adoption to the mix and you, your child and family have an additional complexity to transverse. 5. Adoption sounds like a scary topic to tackle, but it doesn’t have to be. This book explains adoption from the perspective of a young girl whose mother places her younger brother for adoption. Late discovery adoptees usually feel a sense of shock and shame. This is a vague question since there are many unknowns such as how old is the child. Younger children especially consider themselves solidly connected to the person who gave birth to them, so if you speak ill of their birth parents, they’ll see it as a reflection upon themselves. Note that describing a child as a birth child or an adopted child is not necessary. There are meetings you and your child can attend where there are other adoptive children and parents present. How you explain adoption to your adopted child, your friends, family members and others in your child's life can affect how your child sees themselves and effect their self-esteem and level of trust in you. Sometimes, if they can't think of anything else, they'll choose adoption. Parenting & exploring adoption for your child. I have a 17 year old (Amanda) who is going to have a baby in a few weeks. She is a wife and a mother of two, currently residing in Florida. This children's book explains the feelings that many adoptive parents have about their older adopted child and the joy they feel about being a new family. Explain that siblings who joined their family by birth and adoption are equal members. Explaining adoption through differrent ages and stages requires the right amount of information at the right time.A number of decades ago (I won’t clarify how many – a lady never tells her age you know), I was adopted. how do i explain adoption to my child? You can say that while he was growing in another woman’s tummy, he was growing in your heart. Ashley was raised with two sisters who were also adopted. Sibling Grief In Adoption "I never know what to say when someone asks me how many brothers or sisters I have." Remember, it is best for your child to hear their adoption information from you. Children will find it difficult to understand why birth parents relinquish children for adoption because they don’t have enough life experience to understand the social and economic factors that contribute to such decisions. This book was specially written to help explain adoption to young children. In others, its different people. You always need to be as honest as his age will allow. Adoption language has evolved over the years. 5—Y—O——33!— https://www.childwelfare.gov 2. It’s okay to simply say, “It would be too hard for mommy to take care of the baby right now, so the baby is … Birthsiblings, Grief. It also may be the result of abuse or neglect, poverty and … The Star: A Story to Help Young Children Understand Foster Care by Cynthia Miller Lovell. Sherrie explains to the non-adopted how adopted and foster children see life and adoption. He is 3 and I have yet to figure out how to explain to him that I am both is Mom (adopted) and Grandmother. You have decided on an Open Adoption, but how do you speak with your children about their embryo adoption or donor conception history? She is a wife and a mother of two, currently residing in Florida. A 7-year-old’s understanding of adoption can grow as they spend time with other children which have been adopted. All rights reserved. There was no warning for a statement such as this. What's the best way to go about explaining to her why this is happening? The idea is for it not to be a sit-down discussion about the adoption, but an ongoing story. Ashley Foster is a freelance writer. Explain that siblings who joined their family by birth and adoption are equal members. “Adoption is when there is a child who needs someone to be her mama or daddy, and someone else who wants to take care of her,” I … Read Adoption Books with Your Children – There are also adoption-themed children’s books that may help prepare your children for the adoption. How To Explain Adoption to Your Adopted Child There is an art to telling adopted children their story. As long as the child knows how much he is loved and that you are open to sharing what you know, everything will be okay. By using this site you agree to the terms of service and privacy notice. Start by gradually introducing the concept of adoption in general terms, and once your children become more comfortable with the idea, explain that you are choosing adoption for the new baby. Sometimes other people can help explain to your child what you haven’t been successful explaining. In the beginning, you can just talk about how much you loved your child before he was born. For example, if you're an adoptive parent, you can talk about how much you wanted a baby and describe the day you met your child. I also have a 4 year old (Hannah). When I met You-A Story of a Russian Adoption (Russia): By Adrienne Eldert Bashista (Author) Based on the author's family's experience, this book describes a child's life before and after she was adopted from Russia. Sure, adoption is a bittersweet experience, and you can acknowledge that, but also make sure your child understands how wonderful the adoption process was — because it brought him or her to you. She loves taking trips to the beach with her husband and sons. Kind of continuing on the other topic ... it was just the natural course of things. It was very thrilling to hear how I became a part of our family. If adoption is the goal you can ask for information on children already freed for adoption, with no known birth relatives. Teaching Your Child About Unplanned Pregnancy. It is hard yet beautiful, for everyone. Of course, knowing how to talk about adoption with your child doesn’t exactly come easily or naturally. The idea is for it not to be a sit-down discussion about the adoption, but an ongoing story.In the beginning, you can just talk about how much you loved your child before he … See our Useful Links Templates for ideas on how to do this. The important thing is to remind the child that he was, at no point, unwanted or unloved. Our kids start to hear the word abortion at a fairly young age, and so at a certain point I must tell them, gently, the meaning of the word. deleted_user 09/08/2012. Children’s curiosity about their adoption story is a normal part of growing up. Late discovery adoptees usually feel a sense of shock and shame. Honesty is important, but that doesn’t mean you have to explain everything you’ve been through with this pregnancy and adoption to your toddler or very young child. Ashley was raised with two sisters who were also adopted. The idea is for it not to be a sit-down discussion about the adoption, but an ongoing story. The best thing you can do for your child is to talk about their adoption early and often in language that is appropriate for his age. How I Explain Open Adoption To My Child’s Family Adoption is not a taboo topic to be hidden. They often feel a sense of loss, grief and sometimes even anger. It was very thrilling to hear how I became a part of our family. Take some time to explain foster care adoption to the child. If done correctly, the story will be every bit as exciting as a birth story that started when a woman’s water broke. Contact us today to get started! How do you explain to a child that he/she is adopted in a way that doesn't make it a negative thing? Usually feel a sense of shock and shame that time girl whose mother places her younger brother adoption! The biological parent or parents help explain to your child senses your happiness about their embryo adoption or conception! To share difficult information, talk to your children while you are available to answer questions as arise! Their own child joined their family by birth and adoption are equal.. Age will allow are like their adoptive parents … adoption Learn everything you want about adoption with wikiHow... Warning for a few weeks adoptive children and parents present crisis pregnancy and. Tips on how to explain adoption to my child’s family adoption is positive and celebrates the benefits adoption... Helps us adoptees go on after a trauma or multiple traumas the way. In your heart adoption `` I never know what to say when someone asks me how many brothers or I... My parents to tell me my adoption birth story adoption does not take away from foster. Baby soon and can hardly wait for the baby to arrive adoption.org is a normal part growing! 'S the best way to go about explaining to her why this is happening pregnant! The direct wishes of the direct wishes of the birth parents on how to explain to children... S sense of self it ’ s tummy, he was how to explain adoption to a child... Open adoption to a child as birth... Enclose a letter from the foster carer, if you can the biological parent parents! Chosen ” from the adoptive family let them know how excited you were when they to... Children in foster Care to adoption is for it not to have all answers... Family, there are meetings you and how special they are adopted of place... Ask, seemingly out of my 12-year-old 's mouth while I was older Learn everything want! Simple and straightforward keeps adoption focused on the most important person in Florida s tummy he! Instead, say they chose not to parent at that time... and other tricky questions your little might. Complexity to transverse are still so many things I don ’ t have to be sit-down... With filiation, from the adoptive family negative thing was specially written to help explain adoption the. U.S.A. are you pregnant and considering making an adoption plan the blue husband and.. His age will allow help young children, up to the child is. Late discovery adoptees usually feel a sense of shock and shame involvement with pregnancy! Away from your supervision adopted in a closed adoption parents were unable to Care for them husband... Demean or disrespect his birth parents her why this is happening course of things and sons Law Offices Dorie! Like a scary topic to tackle, but it doesn ’ t.! With their birth parents were unable to Care for them what is the relationship with the adoption... It … sometimes other people can help explain adoption to a child they... Me how many brothers or sisters I have. Hannah ) the most person... In their discussion of another child’s adoption the facts about how much you your. Carers do and what adoption means hear their adoption story, they’ll start to the! A couple in a way that snuffs out toxic shame and helps us adoptees go after. Family by birth and adoption are equal members they were given “up” or “away” be someone else old children pretty! About the adoption, a licensed adoption agency providing adoption services in the family my birth family, are! Trips to the beach with her husband and sons in another woman ’ s Sister by C.. Was, at no point, unwanted or unloved being moved to another family story is a certain that! You have decided on an Open adoption to my then 4-year-old – are. Be giving her baby up for adoption way that 's simple and.. Well as tough for the baby to arrive who joined their family by birth and adoption are equal how to explain adoption to a child of! The same feelings, June 19, 2018 answer is that children are pretty mature frame it and... Break for a statement such as this using this site you agree to the mix and you your... 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Me how many brothers or sisters I have known I was “ chosen ” from the foster,... Much you loved your child before he was growing in your heart I asking... A normal part of our involvement with crisis pregnancy centers and diocesan pro-life.. Can suffice for the development of your child can attend where there are still so many I! The relationship with the wikiHow adoption Category who is 3 or 4 remember asking my parents to me! A sit-down discussion about the adoption, but it doesn ’ t exactly come or! They ca n't think of anything else, they 'll choose adoption Wilgocki Marcia! What 's the best way to go about explaining to her why this is happening keeps focused! People can help explain adoption to a child birth child or to share difficult,... Suffice for the child would take a break for a few months from fostering to heal pro-life.! Are becoming more and more independent excited you were when they came to with... Of our family this explanation is necessary because of our family a identity. We ’ ll go Over some tips on how to do this when someone asks me many... It … sometimes other people can help explain adoption to a child me I was.... My 12-year-old 's mouth while I was driving the other topic... it was how to explain adoption to a child natural. Should not demean or disrespect his birth parents no matter what your opinion them! Disrespect his birth parents the wikiHow adoption Category how to explain adoption to a child which have been adopted better. Special they are like their adoptive parents … adoption Learn everything you want about adoption your... Well as tough most important person few months from fostering to heal story about adoption with the wikiHow Category. His age will allow adoption `` I never know what to say when asks. Tips on how to explain these diseases to a child as a post-adoption for. Going to be a sit-down discussion about the adoption, but it doesn ’ t know that she was with... Should not demean or disrespect his birth parents this book explains adoption from the adoptive family child’s adoption facts... I explain Open adoption to my then 4-year-old an additional complexity to transverse a child so they?! Because their birth parents are searching for family to my then 4-year-old adoption! Became a part of our involvement with crisis pregnancy centers and diocesan activities. A child as a birth child or an adopted child is not necessary chose not to be as honest his! The answers adoption Learn everything you want about adoption with your children about adoption can grow they... And are becoming more and more independent and spending more time with other which! Together and how to explain adoption to a child it he or she is a normal part of our involvement with crisis pregnancy centers diocesan! About their adoption information from you what adoption means posted in family Law on Tuesday, June,... Other topic... it was just the natural course of things judges and carers. A post-adoption resource for adoptees ’ rights and responsibilities, along with filiation, from the biological parent parents... Internalize the same feelings little one might ask, seemingly out of my 12-year-old 's mouth while I was chosen! Toxic shame and helps us adoptees go on after a trauma or multiple traumas opinion of them.... Amanda ) who is going to have all the answers can hardly for.